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October 2025

Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa	Su
		1	2	3	4	5
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20	21	22	23	24	25	26
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	Birthdays
Uzz919 (29), FlowingEye (36), Karthus (35)
	Upcoming Events
Upcoming Birthdays: Uzz919 (29), FlowingEye (36), Karthus (35)

[Blue Geezer]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[hawt!]

That last one made me lawl.

 Therefore it's not in keeping with the theme of the thread so you must be smited. sorry

[CruelCow]

http://www.wdgclan.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=3;sa=showPosts

[Power]

Win.

[hawt!]

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

[Blue Geezer]

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

Christmas was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell

his mother what he wanted:


"Mom, I want a bike for Christmas."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home.

Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for Christmas. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him
why he deserved a bike for Christmas.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for Christmas. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.


Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up he letter and started over.


LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and
I would like a red bike for Christmas.

Your friend Barry


this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.


LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for Christmas.

Your friend
Barry


He could not send this letter to God either.

Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to
go to church.

Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue
of the Virgin Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.



LETTER 4:

I 'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*****G BIKE.

[CruelCow]

Kinda expected your signature to be the punchline...

[Hzza]

Kinda expected your signature to be the punchline...

[hawt!]

This is just going to turn into a joke contest between me and Barry....

[Blue Geezer]

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol.. She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
Troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."

[Blue Geezer]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada . He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

'Who's he ?' said the scouser.
'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.'

So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final ?'.

' Liverpool ' replies the Memory Man.

'Who did they beat ?'

' Leeds ' was the reply.

'And the score ?'
'2-1'

'Who scored the winning goal ?'

'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.

The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back to Liverpool .

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man.
Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.
Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.

He approached him with the greeting 'How'.

The Memory man replied ..... 'Diving header in the six yard box'.

[hawt!]

    A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."

[Blue Geezer]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."

[hawt!]

A man goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to gain admission. So the man goes out to his car and he looks around for one, only to discover that he just doesn't have one.

He sees a set of jumper cables in his boot, and in desperation ties these around his neck, managing to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

[Blue Geezer]

Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday.

Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome.

A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?”
They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.

They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.

The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.

The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “OK, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his pecker is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed. If it’s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.”

Another member of the group asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She replied, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”