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October 2025

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Upcoming Birthdays: Uzz919 (29), FlowingEye (36), Karthus (35)

[Tommy the Cat]

I'll be honest, most of these are tl;dr

[Hzza]

I'll be honest, most of these are properly shit.

Phixed.

[Blue Geezer]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'


OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'


Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.



The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.



The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.



After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'



Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,




'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[hawt!]

I'll be honest, most of these are properly shit.

Phixed.

 READ THE THREAD TITLE

[Tommy the Cat]

I'll be honest, most of these are properly shit.

Phixed.

 READ THE THREAD TITLE

YEAH HZZA

That was short enough to read. I feel this thread is prejudice against the dyslexic (spastic) community.

[hawt!]

I'll be honest, most of these are properly shit.

Phixed.

 READ THE THREAD TITLE

YEAH HZZA

That was short enough to read. I feel this thread is prejudice against the dyslexic (spastic) community.

 Don't insult dyslexic's...

 Im a proud member of the DNA (National Association of Dyslexics)

[egg]

I actually have some of these stickers at home:-

http://pointlessmuseum.com/museum/spasticssocietystickersindex.php

[Tommy the Cat]

lol

[HaoTwo]

I went to my local video shop yesterday. I asked can I borrow Batman Forever?, they said nah, you have to bring it back in two days.

I actually burst out laughing.

[Nineblade]

Yeah that's the best one +1. The rest are crap though *nods*

[Junta]

I think we may have a "crap joke" black-belt fight coming on here... Nineblade VS Blue Geezer (challenger).

I've confidence in the challenger actually... proven in the last two pages!

[Chaos]

I think Nineblades Consistant one liner style beats blue geezers efforts

[Blue Geezer]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze
the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign
said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and
determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and
landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The
pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless
answer."

if you ever deal with customer support you might actually like this one

[Junta]

*sigh* I'm a "consultant":

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

----

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

[Tommy the Cat]

I sent my washing to the dry cleaners yesterday, including a note saying "Use more soap on pants please". Today I got my washing back and found a reply saying "Use more paper on arse please".