It's true this is getting a little stale, I have been holding off with the real story.
So here's what really happened
As a result of not smoking, I avoided visiting the local tobacconist around half past two as I often do of a Tuesday afternoon. Little did I know it would change my life...
.
As a result of staying in and not smoking, I instead copulated with 8/9 beautiful women (at the same time) from the comfort of my own bedroom. Midway, I heard a loud explosion, the very tobacconist I would otherwise have visited had exploded! After giving all the women a proper seeing too, I came to the conclusion that this was the work of none other than Nicolas Sarcozy, the infamous frenchman with a passionate hatred for tobacco due to his height creating many problems in obtaining it under age as a child.
Casting the women to one side with my giant love making hands despite cries for more, I put on my robe and wizard hat and hurridly rushed to the scene of the blast to assess the situation and rescue any survivors that the mad frenchman may have harmed in his nicotine riddled explosion. Upon arriving at the scene, I was greeted by a crowd of onlookers who cheered and showered me with gifts, before pointing me towards the blast and begging for my help - no people were trapped I was informed, but the owner's cat had recently given birth and the kittens were trapped inside the inferno.
Due to my smoking abstinence, I used my massively enhanced and powerful lungs to blow the fire out, and entered the wreckage of a building, swiftly returning with the kittens under my arm to cries of joy from the crowd. The tearful owner thanked me and promised to name his first son 'hawt' in honor of the handsome and mysterious man who had saved his cats.
The mayor of Newcastle arranged a parade in my honor and I was carried through the streets - showered with roses as I did so by the great and humble people of Tyne and Wear.
But I could not rest confortably atop my throne amidst the revelry - Sarcozy was still at large and the very safety of all Tobacco shops in the land hung in the balance.
And this is where I am now my friends, sitting atop my throne posting this via wifi.
Being a modest man I was trying to keep my story secret, but I couldn't lie about this any more.
Total Members: 311
