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October 2025

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[Magathery]

The weirdness and oddities of my life never cease to make me smile.

Yesterday my loverly, kind & considerate and above all compassionate employers decreed this it was vital for me to drive to Swansea. There a pub was in vital need of my services. So vital was my mission that I had to drive past 2 engineers practising the zen art of stillness on route. Arriving at the site late in the evening, I performed miricals of engineering. I replaced a till with a broken server key reader. It was a till just like the other 4 on that bar that it shared. In fact it was just like the tills on the other two bars on site. But of course this one was poorly as the staff had showered so much love on the till, that the key reader had broken.

The people of Swansea are fastidiously polite and observant. So as I indicated that I was pulling out of the car parking space along side the road. A gentalmen felt the need to pull up along side my van, so as to prolong my stay in his fair town. He was most agreeved to find that I desired to leave. With a heavy heart he did indeed pull out of the way to let me undertake my journey home. But I was warmed with an inner glow of friendship as he issued me a quaint Welsh hand guesture. So moved by his touching fairwell that I quickly reversed at high speed towards him so as to return the same guesture on to him.

After manny hours of traveling, mainly due to the fact that the Welsh have now reduced the speed limit on their motorways to 50 mph as best to fasilitate the traveler's ability to take in the natural beauty of Newport & Cardiff, I was nearly at my home. I was stunned when two bits of grey road moved and took flight. The dull thud on the front grill snapped me back to reality. I was in fact mistaken. Two chunks of the road had in fact not got up and taken to flight. In fact it was just a pair of horny pegions. The male pegion all puffed up and strutting had failed to notice the approch on my van. But where as the female had elected to fly straight to the safty of the side of the road. The male had opted for altitude and there for met with the grill next to the Ford sign. In the process stoving a huge hole through the high quality plastic, and filling the engine bay with a variaty of grey feathers and bodily fluids. As the van sat cooling gently in my car park, the wind wafted feathers around on a gentaly pungent aroma of misalainious pegion fliuds cooking slowly on the engine.

So today my glorious employes decreed that I should travel to a petrol station. There I was required to perform the mirical of fixing a TFT screen with out any parts. For there were no replacement bits of that nature anywhere in the land. Needless to say I found this a difficult task. However I thought that it might be possable for the omens had looked promising. For you see on arrival I did see a small dog who's rear legs had been replaced with chunky tyres and indipendant suspension. Alas, I was unable to change the fundemental laws of the univers and had to admit defeat. The screen was trully buggered.

As a reward I was sent north to the relm know as "Bromsgrove". There I was bestowed an Astra estate. And it was with great glee that I did lovingly load an awfull lot of high quality equipment into it. Taking the time to admire the stale crisps and sticky jelly beans that had been left for me beneath the seats. Along with a strange gift of a packet of out of date tick taks, and half a sock. By half I mean take a single sock, and then remove the part the foot goes in. So as to leave that, if pushed for a description, I would have to call an ankle cuff.

I was nearly rewarded further. But unfortunatly news of my failure with the screen had caught up to the powers that be. For I was to be sent to the fair city of Cardiff. For there I would have been required to got to a pole dancing and strip club and fix their tills. But alas, the site learning of my technical incompatence and refused to answer their phone to the help desk. And there for the propper rites of passage could not be initated.


I feel that my mind is unraveling like a tapestry in the presance of angry kittens.

[Magathery]

Or to put it another way...

The mupets that I work for. You know the ones, the bastards with no sence of geograph and presious little grasp of reality. They sent me on a sodding long drive to fix a till in a land of retarded mornons. Heaven sodding forbid that the two engineers that live closer and have nothing to do should bloody go. No, of course it's easier for me to get the part from the depot in the centre of Cardiff. What's wrong with the one on the outskirts of Bristol that I sodding drive by? Tell me you'll send the part to site and then change your mind and tell me I need to go and get it from a city centre. Heven forbid I tear you away from browsing for crap on the web. Gits in old mersadies, how the hell do you not see some one pulling out of the parking space? Did the flashing yellow lights confuse you? Call me a fuckwit and and then act all supprised as I slam the van into a high speed revers manover straight at you and then stamp on the breaks with a foot to spare. Masadies driving fucknut!!! As for pegions. It's a road, cars and lorries and stuff. Not a place to conduct courtship. Well that's natural selection for you. The stupid horny bastards get turned into road kill. Bastard feathers everywhere! And as for the smell! What the hell has the little stinky git been eating? Moving on. So how the hell do they expect me to fix a screen that's totaly shafted? What? Sacrifice a goat over it. Mindlessly prod at it in the desparate hope that it will some how start working? It was probably the staff poking at the strange and pritty moving pictures and colours that buggered it up in the first place. Oh thanks for the car. Who the hell had it before me. More over what the hell did he do to it that required the entire engine to need replacing? GRRR!!!! Oh fix a till in strip joint in Cardiff. Whopp tee fucking whoop. Sorry, my shit ends at 8:30pm. What seeing a bunch of scantily clad bimbos spinning around wearing nothing more than two feet of dental floss some how supposed to be a bonus? The doors don't open to Joe Public till 10:00pm. And some how I doubt that it will be the premier members of staff working the poles on a Wednesday night. I'm bloody relived that the buggers were unreachable and that I didn't have to go. What the hell did I do in my previous life to deserve this???

As the rage and bile builds within me and tarnishes my very soul, be thankfull that there is a very low probability that I will come to world power.

[Hzza]

Best.

Story.

Ever.

Sorry you had a shitty day mate, but I damn near pissed myself laughing about 4 times!

[Nineblade]

Epic story Rippy +1
BTW I think the jelly beans are mine - I tend to drop them under the seat and then gather them all up on a 3 monthly basis.. The sock's also mine...I believe I used it as a jizz mop one night

[Millicent Bystander]

Great stories,the shittiest days make the best stories.

[Junta]

+1 for you Rippy. Sadly I',m no stranger to the M4 corridor and have to travel the entire length of it to Pembroke from time to time. I travel through Swansea and I can vouch for the stupid 50mph limit as well as the "special" driving skills seen on the motorway (I can't in all honestly say its the Welsh though, reckon on mostly foreign English invaders).

On a serious note though, I've found the Welsh people very pleasant.... looks like you've found one of the few ars*holes mate

[Magathery]

LOL

I'm glad I made you giggle. The dualality of my mind worries me some times. Other times I just think "Sod it" and I let it go skipping merrily off on a tangent.

I forgot to mention. The exploding pegion was whitnessed by another van driver. I'd have to say from the look on his face that he was iminent danger of suffereing from a wet gusset as a result of the laughter he was encountering

Only two more days to go on late shift. YAY!

[Magathery]

Actually, does anyone know why the Welsh have perminatly lowered the speed limit to 50mph on the M4 from junction 24 to junction 30? It's about a 12 mile stretch. It's just soul destroying. The Newport police have a fearsome reputation for being very strick with any English driver they happen to pull over. I've only just got my licence back with the points removed. So the last thing I want to do is have another fine and collect another 3 points from a "SP50" offence. But driving along at 50mph and being overtaken by Eddie Stowbart and his lorry driving friends just seems to be take the piss!

Hang about. I'll just go ask the oracal that is Google...

[Is it weird that I'm derailing my own thread?]

[PapaFade]

Not long till end of June Rippy, then the hunt can truly begin

[Magathery]

Oh too right! June 30th = 1 year of employment since the buy out. Which means I get the final £600 of the £1,000 retaintion bonus. But of course, if I commit gross misconduct or leave before the end of June, then I get narda. If they lay me off, at least I get the money. Which of course the tax man will take a slice of. Because heaven forbid the politicians wouldn't be able to claim for having their leg hair permed as an expence why conducting their duties of screwing the general public up it's colective arse! (Does anyone know if there was a politician that didn't take the piss with expensis? OK stop laffing)

As regards M4 madness. It looks like the watch word is safty & congestion. With one or two green policys thrown in. The BBC said this...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/4348577.stm


Personaly I suspect that it's a fabulos money earner.



But thankfully I've got holiday coming up in about a months time. Two weeks off where I won't have to fill in forms to account for every last bloody movment I make. Where I won't feel like a puppet being controlled by disinterested and geographically challenged idots. Two weeks off where I plan to do nothing more challenging than to sit back, drink some pear cider, smoke some cigars and plan my future. At the minimum I'll be seeking a new employer. Idealy I'll be changing carear.

[DeadlyAvenger]

Oh dear! Very funny story Definitely the essence of the Ripsaw we know and love in there!

Hopefully today will be a better day, and may all your days be blessed from here on out!

[Magathery]

Thanks fella

I think that there must be some weird planetary alignment going on. I seem to be some what vorbose in my writings. All I can do is appologise profusly for the clashing calamity that is my numerous spelling mistakes

[DeadlyAvenger]

Thanks fella

I think that there must be some weird planetary alignment going on. I seem to be some what vorbose in my writings. All I can do is appologise profusly for the clashing calamity that is my numerous spelling mistakes

what did you think I think I meant by "essence of ripsaw" ?

[Junta]

Idealy I'll be changing carear.

A new career...hmm.. "stunt cock" in pron films

[Magathery]

Would sure "beat" being a fluffer!