Newspaper stories - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
(If any of these are true, it would be interesting to see the whole story….)
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting a whole salami. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)
A list of announcements that Tube train drivers have, allegedly, made to their passengers...
1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'
2) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'
3) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria Station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'
4) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'
5) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a deadpan drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'
6) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home.....'
7) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.'
'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'
9) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'Stand Clear Of The Doors' don't you understand?'
10) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your ***** golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and (the rest is censored..!)'
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