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[PapaFade]

The Smart Ass Answers of 2009 !!


SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during  an airline flight.  'Would you like dinner?'  the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front.  'What are my choices?'  John
asked.  'Yes or no,' she  replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're
dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The
truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A
smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replied, 'Your eyesight's good'.

[DeadlyAvenger]

LOL! nice find davey

[Hzza]

Many zings, good find!

[Torgue]

Nice find, Papa.

[PapaFade]

I take no credit. It was emailed to me by my mother-in-law. I think she saw a similarity in me

[Mr Chug]

My dad once responded to a crap waitress' angry request for a tip with 'buy low, sell high'. We'd probably be shot if we went back there.

[Junta]

My dad did the same with a crappy waitress when she asked for a tip: "Never tie your shoelace in a revolving door"

[Magathery]

LOL and more LOL

Applauded

[scroggage]

Haha, very nice. I have a similar story about my dad being 'witty'.

My dad once injured his hand and had to have stitches. When they were being removed, he asked the doctor "Will I be able to play the piano after this?". The doctor replied "Yes, of course". My dad said "Great! I've never been able to play before!"
He never saw that particular doctor again.

[DeadlyAvenger]

Another one that I know from one of my mum's friends who used to work in a snooker hall that sold light snacks.

Well anyway customer comes up to the bar and asks for a sandwich. He goes to make the sandwich and in the process - the knife slips and he manages to cut a massive gash in his hand. He goes back out to the customer with his hand all bleeding and is like "So did you want ketchup on that?"

[LtMama]

I has one of mah Chubb-daddys witty responses.

He was on a business holiday in Las Vegas (i think he and his team were awarded it for doing well) so he was there with a few work mates. Apparently whilst 2 others played pool, him and a chum were sat at a bar having some drinks.
2 hookers then strolled up and, without saying a word, grabbed their "junk". My dad apparently looked down, then up at her and said:
"You know, where I come from, we shake hands"
I think he's still proud of that one till this day. Also afterwards, after refusing to do anything with them since they were married (to which the hoes response was pretty much "So?"), they told them that one of the chaps playing pool was single and might be interested (he wasn't). One then went over and cupped his balls in the middle of a shot. Apparently he squealed like a girl

[Junta]

Epic mama... loved that line

[Vegan]

My manager busted one out the other day that at least made me chuckle.

Although the restaurant i work in may seem rather un-orthadox to some it is still in essence a restaurant and at a restuarant unlike a cafe you usually (i'd say always but i'm sure there are some minor exceptions) wait to be seated, epecially if its busy. MAny people that come in to ours seem to think this doesn't apply to them and just wander in and blank you as you almost have to stand dead in their path to stop them and greet them. Usually if you miss em they are left to their own devices and it'll normally take around 10-15 mins of us ignoring them back for them to ask for a menu " oh you wanted a menu? did you not wait at the door to be seated? that'll be why you don't have a menu then, i'll go get you some shall i". The main reason it gets frustrating is one cos of the rudeness of being ignored and secondly when it's busy they always sit at dirty tables but when it's quiet they try and sit themselves as far away as they can from any other human being. Partially understandable but when it's quiet you tend to group people fairly close to gether to stop you having to run from one end of the restaurant to the other taking orders.

Anywhoo to the story, guy walks in on his own and manager approaches him and greets him with a pleasant "good afternoon, is just yourself for lunch today". Guy blanks him and walks straight past.
Manager " excuse me sir if you'd like to take a seat here i've got a menu for you just here"
douche " i'm sitting where i want"
Manager "if i could ask you to sit further down this end as the back of the restuarant is closed"
douche " didn't know this was communist russia!"
Manager " didn't know this was YOUR restaurant!" - ZING

He sat where he was told

EDIT: I also got asked at work by one of my polish collegues where my home town Basingstoke was. i replied " well if you imagine an arse, it's the bit in the middle", not sure if it's appropriate to the thread but certainly had everyone in fits.

[Lazzars]

I also got asked at work by one of my polish collegues where my home town Basingstoke was. i replied " well if you imagine an arse, it's the bit in the middle", not sure if it's appropriate to the thread but certainly had everyone in fits.

this one i will steal

[Teatime]

I do a lot of smartass answers on my job (though I surpress even more).
They are rarely witty, more of a sarcastic nature (Customers are often so stupid)
The only joke in it is the one that one day will be on me when I do that to the wrong person :/